


Straight Talk

by Tallulah_Rasa



Category: Burn Notice, House M.D., Leverage, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), White Collar
Genre: Adult Humor, Humor, multifandom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2014-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-15 01:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2210493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah_Rasa/pseuds/Tallulah_Rasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blogging tools can be surprisingly sophisticated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Straight Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Back in 2010, one of the big blogging platforms introduced a tool that was supposed to help you "keep your friends straight."
> 
> At the time, my first thought was _not_ "Gee, that would be helpful, considering I have many virtual friends with varied and non-overlapping interests," but more along the lines of, "Huh???" 
> 
> My second thought was, "How would characters from a variety of TV shows -- say, Burn Notice, House, White Collar, SG-1, SGA, and Leverage -- react to this announcement?" (And then, a few years later, "How would the Avengers...?")
> 
> Assuming that their first thought was much like mine, perhaps like this:

 

**Tactically (Burn Notice: Fiona, Madeline)**

Fiona peered over Maddie's shoulder, scanned the computer screen, and wrinkled her nose. "I don't know what to tell you," she finally said. "Generally, I just want to keep my friends _armed._ "

 

**Diagnostically (House, MD: House, Wilson)**

House stared at the screen, looked at Wilson, and then stared at the screen again. "Does that mean if you defriend someone, you can turn them?" he mused.

Wilson rolled his eyes. "That's not what---"

"Because _that_?" House went on, full of glee,  "would be _cool_."

"Do you even _have_ any friends?" Wilson asked.

"Jimmy!"  House exclaimed.  "I have you."  He looked Wilson up and down, taking in the well-shined French loafers, the pocket protector, the pale lavender silk tie. "Of course, in terms of _this_ , you're a lost cause."

"You're a laugh riot," Wilson said, standing up. "You want to get some lunch?"

"Like you have to ask," House said, hitting a few keys with a flourish before turning off his computer.

Wilson narrowed his eyes. "Do I want to know what you just did?"

"You'll find out," was all House would say. "You'll find out."

 

**With Give and Take (White Collar: Mozzie, Neal)**

"It's mind control, pure and simple," Mozzie said, and the Neal could almost _see_ his outrage.  "First it was additives in our water supply, now  Big Brother wants to--"

"Mozz," Neal said gently, because he really needed to concentrate on finishing the fake Monet, and _someone_ had to set up the  blog or the whole con was going to fall apart. And he'd told Peter it was going to be a piece of cake, so...

"No!" Mozzie practically shouted, pushing himself back from the table and the offending computer screen. "I won't be silenced! This is proof -- proof, I tell you -- that the government and industry are in cahoots, trying to push their social agenda onto  the--"

"I think," Neal interrupted, taking his eyes off the painting for just a minute, because trying not to laugh made his hand shake, anyway, "that's not what they mean."

"And it's only a matter of time before -- what?" Mozzie trailed off.

"Multiple meanings," Neal said. "I think they're advocating organization, not...not some social agenda."

Mozzie  looked at him through narrowed eyes, but sat down again. "That's what they _want_ you to think," he muttered, but he started typing again.

 

**With a Universal Perspective (SG-1: Sam, Daniel, Jack)**

Sam slapped Daniel's hand away from her fries, moved her plate to the other side of her desk, and picked up the insistently buzzing phone.

"Colonel Carter," she said, and then, "Yes, General.  I know."

_Jack?_ Daniel mouthed at her, and when she nodded, he yelled, "Hi, Jack!"

"Daniel says hi," she reported, and then she frowned. "Really?  I, uh..."

She listened, and at Daniel's raised eyebrows mouthed, _computer security problem._

Daniel's look said, _Jack turned on his computer??_   Sam shrugged.

"Well no, Sir," Sam finally said into the phone. "I'm not laughing. And neither is Daniel.  Though we are surprised that your computer is on and-- " She listened again, and smiled at Daniel. "Yes, Sir, I'm sure that if McKay gave you instructions, they're..." She frowned. "On a...you were setting up a _blog_?"

Daniel, who'd been methodically eating all of Sam's fries, snorted a mouthful up his nose. Sam gave him a look that said _, You had that coming _and turned her attention back to the phone. "Oh!  I see.  Cassie was...because Ba'al has a blog? Really? Well, I can see how you'd need to monitor that, then. So Cassie alerted you to...well, no, Sir, but I...hold on a minute." She typed something onto her laptop, and Daniel, who'd finally stopped choking, came around the desk to see.

They both saw it at the same time.

"That can't work," Daniel said, and then he looked at Sam. "Can it?"

 "Not with our current technology," Sam said. "It's possible the Tollan or the--"

 They looked at each other. 

 Daniel hurried out of the office.

"General?" Sam said into the phone. "I see what you mean. I'm checking for a security breach on our end and...Yes, Sir.  I'll let you know."

 

**Seriously (SG-1/SGA:** **Cam** **, John, Rodney, Vala, Teal'c) **

"Okay," John said, looking up at the speaker over the SGC's  commissary door. " _That_ was a weird announcement."

Cam grinned and sat back, surveying the room. No one else in the commissary seemed disturbed by the latest message to blare from the PA system, but then, most SGC personnel were pretty laid back about everything except imminent alien attack. "I'll bet you're missing Atlantis right about now," he said.

John shrugged -- _well, duh_ \-- as Rodney tapped something into his laptop.

"You _did_ hear that they don't want us log on to..." Cam said, but trailed off when John shook his head. Yeah; his people didn't listen, either.

"Why would they want us to keep away from a _blogging_ site, of all--" McKay started in a tone so thoroughly McKay, so thoroughly _irritated,_ that Cam thought it had to be trademarked. Then, "Oh," McKay said, and he actually giggled, which was one of the weirder things Cam had heard at his time at the SGC. "Oh," he said again, and he turned the computer so Cam and John could see it.

There was a split second of silence, and then all three of them started laughing.  They were still whooping convulsively a minute later when Teal'c and Vala joined them.

Vala  glanced at the computer screen, as did Teal'c.

"Tau'ri technology is more advanced than I thought," Vala said as she settled down next to Teal'c and picked a bit of wilted lettuce out her ham sandwich. Neither  Cam, John, nor Rodney  answered, as they were still laughing.  John was actually gasping, and appeared to be close to tears.

"They have made some progress," Teal'c said, looking down at his chicken casserole, and then at Cam, Rodney and John. His look indicated that this state of affairs was beyond understanding, and probably had little to do with the humans currently at the table.

 Vala chewed thoughtfully. "They do choose to focus on odd things, though, don't they?"

 "Indeed," Teal'c said, looking critically at his fork, and then putting it down.  "I believe General Landry has authorized delivery to the base from the Peking Palace in Colorado Springs," he said.

 Vala laid down her sandwich and stood up. "Lead the way," she said.

 Cam, John and Rodney were still laughing when they left.

 

**With Teamwork (Leverage: Eliot, Hardison, Parker)**

"I cannot _believe_ ," Hardison said, striding into the room like someone with a phaser set to 'kill' was on his heels, "that you called me for this."

Eliot looked up. There was no one trailing Hardison, unless Hardison was being followed by someone invisible. Which was ridiculous, of course, so Eliot was _very_ subtle about checking.

"This job...what Nate asked me to do is _delicate_ , do you understand? It involves hacking through three layers of security just to _start_ , and I've got like an hour for the whole thing, and you...you two can't set up a _blog_?"

" _She_ can't set up a  blog," Eliot said, nodding toward Parker. "I'm just here to retrieve and protect assets."

Hardison  gave him a look. "How you doing with that?" 

"Parker?  Are you secure?" Eliot asked in a tone that would have invited anyone who didn't know better to try and deck him. 

"I'm fine," Parker said, head bent over the laptop. "Just confused." 

" 'Enter'  means that you--" Hardison began with pained patience.

 "I _know_ that," Parker answered irritably. "But I--"

 "You didn't call me here to explain about Spider Solitaire again, did you? Because I--"

"This set-up page has too many choices," Parker interrupted him. "Look at this. Do I want this tool? Do I _need_ this tool?"

Hardison  bent over to look, and when he didn't come up with a definitive, long-winded answer in five seconds, Eliot went over to look, too.

"Well, that could be some amazing programming there," Hardison was saying. "Though I don't really see how it could work.  Unless--"

"Damn," Eliot said. "Again?"

Hardison  and Parker turned to him with identical quizzical stares.

" _Again_...?"  Hardison repeated.

Eliot rolled his eyes. "What, like you think no gov\--no group's ever tried to control a population through subliminal suggestion before? Through video games, or music or..." he gestured angrily at the computer, "programming?"

Parker scooted back from the monitor. "Computers can make you...do things?"

"You won't even watch _Star Trek_ ," Hardison said to Eliot. "And now you want me to believe that you believe in some futuristic--"

"I said the show was boring," Eliot interrupted. "I didn't say it was unrealistic."

"So you...?" Parker began cautiously, still keeping a safe distance from the computer.

"I've seen this kind of thing before, yes. And I _thought_ I got rid of it."

"You're telling me you hacked it? Because I _know_ you couldn't..."

"I didn't hack it, Hardison," Eliot said heatedly. "I infiltrated the place with the...the..." he waved a vague hand "...the main whatever, and eliminated the program from the system."

Hardison  just looked at him.

"I had instructions, okay?"

Hardison  looked at him some more.

"Very _complete_ instructions," Eliot clarified. "And it was a very distinctive program."

"We have to tell Nate about this," Parker said.

The three of them looked at each other.

"Let's go steal us a program," Hardison said in a perfect Nate voice.

 

END...except for this belated bonus addition, since Steve Rogers was a latecomer to the wonders of the world wide web:

**Heroically (Avengers: Steve, Bruce, Tony)**

Steve placed his StarkPad squarely in the middle of the work station, next to the soldering iron but a prudent distance from the disassembled repulsors.  "But Clint _said_ ," he repeated, voice steely with indignation and determination.  

He was barely audible over Tony's laughter.

"Uh, yeah. No," Bruce said, carefully cleaning his glasses on his shirttail, and trying very hard not to laugh himself. "There's a big difference between _could_ and _would_ , Steve. And anyway, that's not what...."

Steve looked up from the tablet.  As he'd been glaring at it, he was still wearing his _I am displeased_ face. "It's...it's not? Because there are obviously...I mean, the human rights issue alone is...and from what I understand, this wouldn't be the first time a government tried to manipulate...and, and Clint _said_ \--"

"Clint can be very..." Bruce began, but the he just shrugged.  "You know Clint." 

Tony continued laughing, head on his worktable, while Dum-E hovered nearby, fire extinguisher at the ready, in case anyone spontaneously combusted.

"Well, it didn't seem plausible," Steve conceded with a frown. "But...it _did_ seem possible."

"Probably is," Bruce agreed calmly, without pointing out his own personal knowledge of what was implausible, and yet undeniably true. "But Steve, you've got to know Tony wouldn't..."

Steve sighed.  "Well, it was an honest mistake," he said.  He looked at Bruce, and then nodded toward the slumped, shaking figure of their teammate.  "I'm sure Tony will let this go."

"Implausible," Bruce said gently, as Tony looked up, started to say something, and then dissolved into laughter once more. "And, quite probably, impossible."

END (Really)

 


End file.
